When I journal, I keep skipping back and forth between wanting to use a pen and wanting to use this keyboard. I can certainly write faster on the keyboard, but not with as much expression. It is a constant struggle in me.
I want to let go of the struggle. What is the root of it? It has something to do with what others may think of me if and when they ever find their way–God leads their way–to my typed journal entries.
Will they think that I didn’t feel these things like I should have because I didn’t create them with the pen first? Will they think that I didn’t put as much of myself into them? Will they think that I wrote them just to be published? Do I want others to someday see the first, rough, raw drafts of my thoughts and feelings?
Does my thinking that others might see my writings cause me to censor and/or edit my writings. Am I trying to perform for other people? Am I trying to put on an act? What am I doing, writing so much down? And using an electronic medium to do it (so potentially public)? And what does it matter and who really cares? Who will ever care?
Why don’t I just do what is given to me, or in other words, what feels prayerfully, before God, honest and truthful to me? That’s the bottom line.
Why do I make such a potentially public display of it all? I don’t know why. I know that I don’t consciously think that my life is more noteworthy, literally, than anyone else’s life. I feel like EVERYONE’S life is equally noteworthy.
But I’m not in charge of noting anyone else’s life–especially anyone else’s INNER life–which is where life is really going on. Any act you see a person do is springing out of their inner life–their thoughts and feelings and beliefs, their musings and their ponderings, and their prayers.
I think that most people muse. Some ponder. Some pray.
Muse, ponder, pray. By keyboard or by pen, it all comes out in the writing for me.