Phil (my husband) just left. He’s gone into Logan to run some errands. I stayed home and gratefully. It’s very cold outside–about eight degrees! That’s what the weather service says, anyway. Even if it’s twice that or even three times that, it would still be way below freezing! No thanks. Not for this California born gal. It’s just not in my DNA to enjoy that kind of cold.
And then there’s the stenosis I’ve developed in my back in the last couple of years that causes sciatic pain to run the length of my nerves in both legs. Nerve pain, an almost sizzling feeling, like a low-level electric shock. The physical therapy isn’t helping much, but the meds are keeping it knocked down to within bearable range most of the time. I’m resisting facing the truth that I know in my heart–nothing short of surgery and/or a lot of weight loss will make a real difference. I think I’ll opt for the weight loss.
I’ve seriously thought about resorting to some kind of surgery to facilitate the weight loss, but I know without a doubt that for me, surgery, will just be another stop-gap measure. I know that what I need to do has to start deep inside my heart and mind, where my beliefs and thoughts begin. Why? Because it is my beliefs and my thoughts that set me up to resort to eating unhealthy kinds and amounts of food. It’s my fear, my regret, my resentment, my shame, my self-pity and self-will that are the set-up, the “slippery slope” as its so aptly called in addiction recovery jargon. That’s really where my compulsion to eat in self-defeating, self-destructive, life-denying ways begins. In other words I have to acknowledge that my tendency, my overwhelming urge to “act out” with food has progressed from a bad habit to a full blown addiction.
So this is my first entry. I keep thinking I should be sharing this publicly–like I would at an addiction recovery meeting, instead of hiding it in the privacy of my journal. “But, then, it’ll be out there and you’ll have to keep it up. You’ll have to carry through with it,” says the little snide voice in my mind. I’ll have to admit that I’ve done this before (been in a state of spiritual awakening, just like Step 12 puts it) and then let it slip away. Why? How could I do that? It’s taken me years to become willing to take a long, hard look at that ( i.e. – to do the inventory it needs), but I think I’m finally ready. I guess I’ll blog that, too. That way, I won’t be alone with the deal and I won’t be so prone to turn and run back into my food addiction again. Why? Because I will know that you’re reading along and hoping to hear from me again.