In the light of 12-step guided scripture study, I began to realize that in spite of all my outward professions of belief in God over my lifetime, I had serious doubts about His goodness.
As I have recovered a closer consciousness of God since coming into recovery, I have found that all my negative, rejecting doubts about God were the farthest thing from the truth about Him. For me, all this negative thinking was definitely one of the “old ideas” the AA Big Book advises us to let go of “absolutely” (p. 58).
In place of this old image of God, I have opened my heart and mind to the truth that God is actually benevolent and caring about all of creation–and especially about His own children–and that includes me.
In recovery, I have come to know that in all the afflictions and trials, in all the mistakes made against me as well as the mistakes I have made, I have actually been experiencing God’s goodness, in allowing me to come to earth, to learn by my own experience with sin (what it means to be separated from Him.) I have come to (awakened) and have come to realize that I wasn’t cast out heaven, as the Liar, Satan would like me to think of myself. No! I was sent out from my heavenly home to this earth with a definite purpose.
For me, the fall was a leap of faith–my faith in Christ who promised to redeem me. I was sent out to learn by my own experience “good” from “evil.” In other words, to learn what works to bring peace and happiness, harmony with the universe, and what doesn’t. Sending me out. Bringing me Home. It’s all good, as hard (mysterious) as that may be to believe. This awakening to my life–imperfect as it has been–as a good thing, has amounted to a mighty change in my heart towards God. It was my version of the process that AA members often call “firing our old God.” In my case I didn’t need to fire my “old God.” I just needed to fire my resentment and resistance to God and to living my life on His terms.
Prayerful Thought: Lord, help me see that God is good and that my life has been, is and will continue to be good–if I will just allow Thee to show me the mystery and wonder of it all.